If you were to have asked me this question 4 ½ years ago I would have responded without hesitation or doubt
“I’M LIVING!” But, today as I ask myself this question I’m really not sure and that uncertainty in itself indicates I’m existing.
It’s as if my body and mind have gone into
survival mode ~ many may say “ After all you have been through, of course you are a survivor”. But
survival mode is much like a plane operating on auto pilot. The Pilot is is able to observe what is taking place, while the plane goes through the functions that have been programmed into it (for the body its cell memory ~ years of doing). For the most part , things function as they are expected to. Then suddenly without warning something in the transmitting goes haywire and though the pilot may not become aware of it immediately – he eventually does notice /feels something is not right. Ttry as he might he cannot override the auto pilot –
survival mode - the plane is in. So after awhile he stops trying to override and hopes (one day) things will come to a happy landing and he can get off auto pilot and become the pilot of his life again.
What is scary about this
survival mode, much like the pilot, you can be in it and not realize it or along the way notice something doesn’t seem/feel correct, but subconsciously your “auto-pilot” is stronger and you just keep going along for the ride. For the most part you will get through each day, week, month and years. Eventually the feeling that something is not right will become so great that it consumes your every thought and before you know it , a volcano of emotions erupt .
This is what happened to me while we were on our South American trip. The realization that I have been operating in
survival mode post -accident, started to manifest its ugly head. In survival mode my body and mind seem to have found a way to work together to protect me from the reality of what was really going on within. It even managed to make me believe this
survival mode was “living”. What triggered this realization? I really don’t know. The closest I have come in self analyzing is perhaps when I wanted to go on my own to the park in Lima ~ and Mr. G being the responsible and sensible one; pointed out that I was having anxiety with people and traffic when we were together – what would happen if I was alone and went into a full blown attack. Of, course my first reaction was
“I have travelled the world and often on my own, you are not my boss!” Correct, but then I also didn’t go into a panic attack at the sight of a moving car; or become overwhelmed with large groups of people, especially those speaking a foreign language; and I didn’t strike up conversations with “questionable” strangers; oh, and I didn’t have an ABI (acquired brain injury) or an ankle that weakens without warning and gives out (which Mr. G saved me from many a fall during our trip) and the list goes on, you get the picture. Of, course it wasn’t until we survived the remainder of the trip; being back on home soil and having the support of friends to discuss this with (I’m on the search for a new Shereko (psychologist), that pieces of the puzzle started fitting together and the realization that I have been going through the motions of living.
From the outside people may say “What do you mean … you have been traveling, you shop, you are looking better, you have been more active; you do things etc… etc..” ~ yes , but looking back those were are all tools my
survival mode created to hide behind and possibly what kept me from realizing that I was just existing.
I’m sharing this with you, so that even as you go through your day without an ABI or the other challenges (ones which I need to be acknowledge with reality, accept and figured out how to live with) ~ in hopes that you will stop and ask yourself
“Am I living or existing?”
What is the difference? Some of you may be asking … well I’m not an expert but this is my humble thought:
In Existing: you are waiting for and or allowing some outside influence to control the outcome of your life.
In Living: you are taking control and facing the challenges head on and making an action plan to make the changes.
I would love for you to share how you have turned your life
from existing to living or your thoughts.
Part of Getting My Life Back Post Series!!HHL
