Sunday, April 18, 2010
Lack of Energy - source of frustration
There are days – that I find that I am able to get through C and D and push myself to get through E, F, G etc. – at the time I don’t think about the consequences – I just want to feel like the old me – if even for a little while. The reality sets in over the next day or so, I find myself unable to move or motivated to do things – I have exhausted my energy tokens both physically and emotionally.
Yesterday, I attended a wedding of a dear friend’s son. I took all the necessary preventive energy precautions: I had my hair washed the day before; my outfit had been selected with the help of a friend a few days earlier, so that I would not being stressing about what to wear; I went to bed early the night before; yesterday I went home between the church and reception to take a nap. All should have been well and I should have lasted beyond 11 p.m. But instead of staying put at my table – I couldn’t resist the music and watching friends on the dance floor – I so wanted to be part of the fun. I thought if I just stand beside them on the dance floor and move my arms to the music, what can it hurt? Well, it didn’t take more than a couple of songs before – I found myself needing to sit down. And so after, the frustration of not being able to be part of the group enjoying the music, was so much that Mr. G and I agreed it was best to get me home.
This morning I woke up, feeling better. [ Last night Mr. G. did not have much convincing to do for me to take a stronger pain med (before my detour in life … Advil was something I took as a last result)– than the Tylenol 3 I take regularly, to take the edge off. He is such a dear - he even made sure the heating pad was on and got me a hot water bottle. ] So, I decided I was Ok to do a couple of things in town. When I got home – I was in need of a nap.
Feeling a bit refreshed after the nap, I took our little Dolce for a walk around our gardens. As I walked past the Butterfly garden, I noticed a weed or two that I couldn’t resist , well before I knew it Dolce was tied to the post by the garden and I was on hands and knees waging war on the weeds, that like a grey hair seemed to multiply for each one I pulled.
As, I sit here and write this post – I am laying on a lounger, with pillow propping me up, a heat pad against my back (upper and lower) and an ice pack on my right ankle – willing the swelling to go down. Perhaps I should have stopped when Mr. G suggested I call it a day – and not over do it – I was out there perhaps an hour.
I know that my RT and Behaviorial Therapist - would say its about pacing, and they would probably be right. But, at the time I just think about what I am missing out on, and don't think before its too late or someone tells me. I wish my body could keep up with my desire to do the simplest things like dancing at a wedding or pulling some weeds in the garden.
So, for everyone out there, you are not alone when the world just seems to be too much; and our bodies are not able to function like we expect them to! But, it's important that we never give up our fight to keep moving forward to discover the new person we are going to be. And remember its ok to bring the memories of who you were (if you want to) ... it is however not good to live in the memories (as I say this, I say it to myself as much as I say it for you.).