Realization hit me, a few weeks ago, that I’ve been traveling down Unexpected Road almost [three months short of] 5 years! Looking back over the past years, it feels like I have been frozen in time. That it was only yesterday that I was getting ready to go and celebrate a friend's birthday; earlier that week I had discovered how much I admired Marie Antoinette after watching Coppla's newly released movie with the birthday girl. This frozen in time feeling is the result of traveling down Denial Boulevard, without knowing it. I’m not sure when I turned onto this boulevard or how long I have been on it, but I hope it comes to an end or turn soon.
All around me friends, family and therapy related persons, say “look how far you have come; you are looking good and look you’re bouncing back quicker after an anxiety episode, melt down etc.” Yes, outwardly things are looking much better, and I’m learning to put on that happy “I’m doing great” smiley look. Inwards however things remain confused and frustrating most of the time. Things that made perfect sense to me are now distant memories. At times I still feel like a child pushing the boundaries of authority. While other times give me hope that life may not be the same as it was, but it will be great – these feelings last until the fatigue or forgetfulness set in quickly reminding me I am different now and the path my life is traveling is also different.
I’m told overtime everyone changes – yes, but the change is gradual and the person remains in control of the path they take. No Unexpected Road. Recently in my search of the Holy Grail of Recovery … I was trying to go therapist free ~ no psychologist; no rehab girl; no physical therapy. Well it’s not worked out too well. There is a silver lining here, and that is the cross road sign ahead seems to be “Acceptance Lane” because I’m looking forward to having these people back on the payroll, sort of speaking.
When I started blogging aside from a venue to work on my communication and writing skills with Speech Therapist, I wanted this to be an area that anyone faced with a cross road, challenge, transition in their life could feel they weren’t alone. A place where they could perhaps take some of the things that were working for me and apply/modify to work for them. And for family and friends of people going through life changing transitions, to get a glimpse of what may be going on. Looking over my posts in recent months it’s clear unknowingly being on Denial Boulevard, has limited this openness in my writing.
Some of my earlier readers have emailed wondering if things with Mr. G’s family have resolved themselves, as I haven’t written about that either. Sadly no … and this too is something I will be sharing in my future writing.
Thank you to my readers who have been with me from the beginning and thank you for joining along to my new readers.