The Role People Play in Our Lives ... Part One

Toxic People ~ when people really aren't your friends...

As I move towards my future and the new person/life that awaits me, I have been looking back at all the people who have taken a walk with me in life this far. I have been truly blessed to of had at any given time many  People I called "friends". Having very little family here in Canada (parents and 2 siblings) some friendships developed into Extended Family. While others took on the various forms that friendships do ~ school friends; professional friends; social friends; etc.

It's interesting to note the social friends were the ones too quickly exit, after my accident - after all we no longer had much in common I was bedridden while they were out travelling, networking, having a great time. Over time the professional friends started to recede, especially when it became apparent that I would not be returning to my career. School friends, well they drift in and out and always ready to relive the "good old days" stories; it provides an escape from their current lives as well.

The Extended Family Friends ~ are the smallest group, but the ones that have remained constant. They have been the ones who don't take it personally when I go through dark times and need to retreat from the world. They understand just because I need time (its about me healing, not them or anything they have done or not done) and are there when I'm ready to rejoin the world, with open arms. I can't begin to tell you how grateful and appreciative I am of this small group.

Having been privileged and blessed with good People in my life (even the one's who are no longer an active part of my life) I have not encountered or if I did, the positive energy that surrounded me, made the presence of Toxic People very short - that I often had not noticed they had been Toxic People until they were no longer around. I can not say I have been as lucky post-accident, it appears (from discussion with my psychologist about people in my life) that I have left myself open to:

The Misery Lover
This type cares more about my bad news than my good news days. These people  rally when a crisis hits and some how are even able to turn small incidents into bigger challenges, at times. This friend is consoling whenever things are on a forty-five, –  my weight gain from Meds or lack of interest in food (thus turning to  , often junk food) or feel lost, questioning my choices post accident, or am suffering bouts of dark days–when the situation improves, she distances herself. If I've been able to retreat during these times, this type of friend will punish me for not letting her play a role in the misery, often when I'm returning back to the land of the living, she is all of a sudden unavailable.

The Discloser
Although there should be an assumption of confidentiality and trust between friends, this type can't help herself. When I say, "This is just between us," she nods her head but unfortunately that promise will last only as long as it takes her to get to her phone or e-mail. What this friend doesn't realize is often the people she has shared personal things regarding me - like themselves can't keep their promise and through the proverbial "grape vine" it makes it's way back. I'm slowly learning who I can trust and be completely open with.

The Up One
This type starts out with good intentions (or so they make it seem), compassion for what I am going through, understanding, encouraging and supportive. Then without warning they become someone who when I open up about the rough day I'm having or the difficult time I'm entering ~ instead of the friend they have been - all of a sudden its about how "bad" things are with them. The conversation becomes almost like a competition of who has it worse. I want to remain the Glass is Half Full in my life, so I will let this friend win. After all I only died, lost my self and life - while they have bigger things like what to cook for dinner, or social activity they are hoping to get an invitation for and lets not forget the friend they have at work, who is always trying to up them one.

The Debbie Downer
This type seems to always find the negative part of everything, whether it's my life or hers and will spend the whole conversation about how unhappy she is, and when offered GOOD solutions ... responds with " but you don't understand" ( like my life in peaches and roses). Often this friend is a really good person with a great heart and one I really would like to have in my life, unfortunately the place I am in my own life - makes this friend extremely emotionally and energy draining.

The above are Toxic People and we all have them in our lives, its how much we allow these people into our lives that will determine the impact they have on us and our everyday lives. After all they could be just going through a rough patch themselves and hide their fears and lack of confidence in the Negative/Toxic.

Have you found that you have been able to keep such a person(s) in your life, and over time they have become a Positive friend?

Next time (part two) ~ When Good Friends Happen!

Are you in need of Toxic People Detoxification?

Toxic people come in all sizes and shapes, and everyone has at least one of these people in their life. Though you may usually find you are able to deflect their negative energy and not get too ruffled up. It is important to know they are unhealthy for your mind and spirit and in time the annoyance can quickly turn into physical pain such as a headache when they are near you.

Who are these people?

A toxic person(s) can be a friend, colleague, co-worker, employer, and the woman behind the counter at the fitness centre and YES even a family member(s).

 

Some characteristics include, but not limited to: extremely negative, narcissistic, unhappy, complainer, envious, financially reckless, self serving and abusive (physically and/or emotionally).

Why do these people behave this way? Is it something I did?

Somewhere in their life something happened that was not resolved. Toxic people are great manipulators; they will try to twist things around and around to make you feel guilty or that it’s your fault. You are not to blame for their actions or attitude. Each person on this earth is responsible for their own choices, actions and behavior.

What harm do Toxic People possess?

Toxic people will drain your energy; affect your health and emotional state.

How can I protect myself?

The moment you suspect someone is toxic to you – stop their power over you, though you cannot control someone else’s behavior or actions, you can take back your power by removing yourself. Pain = something is wrong, so learn to trust your gut feelings, and only put yourself in situations that make you feel good. Surround yourself with positive forward moving people.

When the Toxic Person(s) is a Family Member(s)

Detaching yourself from a Family Member(s) will be one of the most difficult things you will do in your life. It is important to keep reminding yourself that you are responsible for your own well being, letting others drag you down, no matter how much you love and care about them ~ is irresponsible to yourself and well being. If you have tried to reach out to this person with no success, it’s time to walk away.

Again, I cannot emphasize enough, you are not alone … trust your gut feelings... and take care of  yourself. You cannot and are not expected to save everyone at the expense of your own health, know when its time to walk away. Wish them well and do not judge them, send them peace, love and light whenever you think of them and pray that they will gain the strength to seek the help they so desperately need.

Have you had to deal with a Toxic Person(s) in your life?

How did you handle the situation?