When Good Friends Happen ...

As we get older mature it seems maintaining and making new friendships takes a back seat to life. In other words we are so "busy" working on "our lives" that we stop actually enjoying life and living it. This becomes even more the "norm" when we are going through life changing events, such as divorce, death of a loved one, illness, job loss etc.

Life is filled with many peaks and valleys and how the people you call friends react or don't react when we are going through the valley, desperately trying to climb back up, can say a lot about the "friendship". Before my own inconvenient detour along the road of life, my life was filled with - long time friends, new friends, business friends, social friends, aquaintence friends, and neighbour friends. Looking back at the early days post accident and as life continued the dynamics of these "friendships" changed just as quickly as my life ~ in a blink of an eye - people I had thought I could count one, disappeared or became closer to me; those whom I would not have expected to help pull/push me back up were doing exactlly that... while others did not disappoint in their "where's the quickest exit oughta here?" attitude.

 

In the early days, I literally cried myself to sleep at the loss of friends I "thought" would always be there for me, as I would for them. I questioned why others remained and yet others stepped up unexpectedly.

As, the days turned to weeks, weeks to months, months to now 4 1/2 years later ... the cream does rise to the top! I can't begin to tell you how blessed I feel as I think about those who now surround me and I call "friends". Yes, I still have some (how blessed and grateful I am for them) very long time friends, they are more of extended like family; many are "new" friends - some of which whom have only been in my life a short time (less than 3 years) I hold as close to my heart and with the trust and comfort of some long time friends.

"Currently" I have no businsess friends, unless you count rehab and therapy people; no social friends ... since home is my playground; no real aquaintence friends unless you count the ladies at the bank; since moving to the countryside making neighbour friends is not easy (especially when I don't attend their gatherings [though I do make sure Mr. G goes] or do much entertaining myself. But do not feel sorry for me that I currently do not have these kind of friends in my life. I have discovered a wonderful kind of friend, whom pre-accident I would have never known or had.

These friends may live an hour away or in different parts of the world; I may never meet or know what they look like, or know the sound of their voice; they may be only words on my computer screen ~ BUT, over time we have cried, laughed, inspired and pull/pushed each other to keep going and not give-up - to build new dreams and embrace the moment- in who we are or will become.

Even though it may be with clicked words on a keyboard that appear on each other's computer screens or through actual written words that arrive in my mail box (often these letters/cards arrive just when I really need to feel thought of that I'm not forgotten or need a lift in my day). I hope that my words- whether on their computer screen or in their mail box make a difference in their day.  Virtual Friends, Blog Friends, what words you choose to describe them are TRUE FRIENDS in every meaning of the word and I thank God for blessing me with each and everyone of them  YOU, you know who you are... (see its not about what you don't have its about appreciating what - in this case Whom, you have in your life).

How have the friends you made via your IN-box or Mail box made a difference?

This is part two of The Role People Pay in Our Lives. Click here for part one.

Reinventing Challenge

I challenge you …

Dare to dream who and what you could become, and then take steps to reinvent yourself. Come along my adventurous journey!

In everyone’s life comes a time when they feel that a change needed. The reason for a change varies, it may manifest out of natural growth and evolution, or it may be a choice to catapult oneself into a new life and a new self. You may want to explore a new career, move to a different city, seek out new relationships, activities and behaviors. The path you are on no longer holds the luster and challenges it once did- routine has set in; the loss of a loved one; occurrence of a traumatic accident/event; divorce; children growing up; motherhood, etc. the reasons are endless. With so many options and opportunities open to us, there's no reason to stay stuck for a lifetime in something you're bored with at best, or miserable in at worst.

Although, some people will just continue to live as is and do nothing to better their situation. Others will take drastic steps ~ resulting from a need to have immediate overnight change – know as a knee- jerk reaction. Still, others feel unable to move forward until they bury their “old” self – every last morsel.

For me it was my accident, life as I knew it, is no more. When this reality hit me, I was determined to leave myself behind – close the chapter on that part of my life. I have struggled desperately for the past couple of years trying to bury the person (me) that I loved so much – yes I was very happy with me – my career, social life, appearance etc. But try I as I might it I couldn’t close the chapter– I couldn’t understand why, until a meeting with my Behavioral Therapist (BT). BT said something that left me thinking “why would you want to stop being who you were? You were an amazing woman! Why close the chapter, yes you are different but you are still you – but now you have an ABI [acquired brain injury]. After our meeting I started to think yes, instead of closing (burying) me c0mpletely and creating a whole new me – I would modify to fit my limitations and life with an ABI. I would create a modified version.

My new friend ~ known to many of you in BlogLand as Suburban Princess – used the term “reinventing” – yes, I thought, that is what I’m doing - not “creating” but reinventing me. I feel much better about this term.

Today is August 1, 2010 ~ the day I had chosen as the beginning of creating Reinventing Me!! Reinventing is taking what is there, all that I've learned along the way and bringing it together with a fresh focus that is me.

My immediate goal is to work on my outside packaging, I may not return to the 113Lb person I was – but I am determined to get back into shape. I am going to work hard to build up my cardio - work my way to getting to the gym 2-3 times a week. 

What is your immediate goal?

"Life isn’t about burying who you were. Life is about Reinventing yourself ". ~High heeled Life , 2010

Victim to Survivor - Picking Up the Pieces Mondays

The one thing that I have learned by watching people in waiting rooms at medical appointments (trust me I’ve seen plenty, more than I ever imagined existed or that I would be in), speaking with people who have gone through various detours in their lives (be it accident, abuse, job loss, etc.) and my own personal detour, is that we all go through a grieving process. Most professionals have told me there are 5 stages; Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Factors that may affect these stages are physical injuries, head injuries and the person’s outlook on life prior to the detour in life.

For me I seem to bounce back and forth through this maze of stages. When I have really bad days, as I sit on the floor, back against the wall – I wish that I could be given a set of gifts to open, and that opened in the right order I would end up at “acceptance” and know who "ME" is now.

Prior to my detour, I had a great and almost perfect life (if it was completely perfect it would have been boring); my career was going amazing – I worked for a fantastic company with an amazing team- was well respected in the industry by both co-workers and competitors; socially my life was very active – lots of friends, lots of functions and dinners to attend; loved entertaining friends at my home (I loved cooking and baking); I was Chair of Fundraising for a homeless youth shelter; I was very fit and loved travelling, shopping – shoes, clothes, handbags; had recently meant someone who I felt would challenge me to be the best I could be; most important to me I was INDEPENDENT. Then in a blink of an eye it was all gone!

Aside from the scars; lack of energy; out bursts (ok - perhaps some would call it tantrums); and when I’m really tired, stressed or anxious - my child like voice and mannerisms that appear – If you saw me you would think - I was OK. What you wouldn’t see is the amount of energy it takes for me to stay focused in a conversation, the preparation that goes into making it possible for me to go out on my own, the results of having attempted to do things – usually a few days in the house/bed and the extra pain that results -, the emotional disappointment/frustration/depression at not being able to do the things I use to do independently, without much thought.

I am still here and breathing, despite the doctors, for 6 weeks, telling my family the outcome did not look good, as I lay in a coma. So I guess I am a survivor – but will I ever be the me I adored, the me that felt so comfortable in her own skin, the me that was never afraid to speak up for herself or anyone that needed someone to stand by them, the me that was so independent, the me that could see anything through to the end - be it work project, social function - without tiring out?
 
Now that you know a little more about how I got here, I hope you visit each Monday for "Picking up the pieces" posts. I will do my best to share the past 3 ½ years and what has helped to keep me alive and moving forward. I hope to inspire you to stay positive and together we will get there. I encourage you to share your thoughts and what has worked for you - your comments may also help to inspire others.

images: google search - Jupiterimages and Shutterstock - wording added to gift boxes me.

Picking Up The Pieces

Remember: Just who you will be is up to you. These are the words that Maria Shriver leaves us with in her book Just Who Will You Be? It is a very powerful and scary statement.

I have received various emails over the past couple of months from persons who express a strong desire to move beyond the physical and/or emotional pain they are suffering. They want to know how I am able to wake each day; write so positive and keep moving forward, after everything that I have and continue to go through.

Well, let me tell you – I am no better, nor different from any of you and I have no magic wand. I still have days, where getting out of bed is a huge struggle be it due to lack of energy, pain, or just feeling at a loss. When I started blogging I made a pledge to myself to write less about these more challenging days, and more about the better days. To be honest there are some days that I still do not make it out of bed all day – thankfully these have become less frequent – and I also have days where I do not leave the house, pajamas are the day’s attire. Like you I search for the Holy Grail of Healing.

I have found in the struggle to keep moving forward the support, encouragement and help I receive from family, friends, care-team, pets, my new Blog friends and let’s not forget my pride and vanity; play a huge role in my day to day functionality.

It is important to surround yourself with POSITIVE people. This unfortunately, may require you to distance yourself from love-ones, who are always focusing on the negative effects of this detour in your life - or who always talk about how your situation affects them - instead of trying to encourage you to move forward. This distance may be temporary or permanent, that is up to you.

To further expand on the above points and to share tools that have been instrumental in getting me this far and others that keep me going; my Monday posts will be dedicated to “Picking up the Pieces”.

I look forward to your continued emails and post comments. Know that the comments you leave encourage not just me, but also others who stop by for a visit and read.

Just Who Will You Be?

Life Is what happens when you are busy making plans!

Anyone who has faced an unexpected detour in their life, [accident, loss of a loved one, divorce, down sized from job, learning they are not able to give birth, lifestyle downsizing etc.] will often wonder "Who am I now"?

Early in my recovery, I was given the book  Just Who Will You Be? written by Maria Shriver. At the time, as a friend read it to me, I did not realize that this book would [almost two years later] be the "Wind" that would set my sails into an unknown future.

I have not thought about this book and yet something drew me to it as I looked at my bookshelf. When I picked it up - it open to the following prayer:

We have been telling people that this is the eleventh hour

Now we must go back and tell the people that this IS the Hour.

Here are the things that must be considered:

Where are you living?

What are you doing?

What are your relations?

Where is your water?

Know your garden.

It is time to speak your truth.

Just like Maria, I am asking myself  "If this is the hour how do I want to spend it?" "What do I want to do with it?"

Even more interesting is, I will be going away for a few days. Away from the stresses of rehab, day to day life and although I am not going alone [I'm  unable to travel completely on my own]; I am going with a dear friend who just wants to lay in the sun and relaxe. 

I truly belief that everthing in life, good or not so good, happens for a reason. So, I will be taking Maria's book with me - reading it on my own this time. While my friend is busy relaxing, I will be reading and trying to figure out just "Who I Will Be!"

Click here to see Youtube Interview with Maria about book.

If you are trying to figure out "where to now" or "who am I now", I highly recommend this book. Check your local book store.

Visit often over the next few weeks to see where I am at on my journey to creating me. Wishing everyone peace and courage!

Stop The World! I Want To Get On

Some days when things just seem to be spinning out of control [which lately seems like more often] it appears that I’m looking in from somewhere out in the universe. I see the life I had, I can feel it, smell it and taste it; then it’s gone and I’m left floating in the Milky Way wondering what black hole holds the mystery door to a new life.

Will this new life be better? Will it be less than what I had? Will my circle of friends and family be there? How will people see me in this new life? What will drive me, be my passion? Will people always see me as the girl who once was and now the girl that was struck by a car? The variables to these questions play in my head like chess pieces. The right move - success; the wrong move and well you know. I wish the world would just stop long enough for me to get on, at that exact moment that everything changed.

Have you gotten back on the world? If so, how did you do it? If not, what strategies do you find have kept you moving forward?

Travelling for the Soul … Part Two

"Inspiration is all around us; it is when we are

ready emotionally and mentally, that it becomes visible to us."

~ Celia Maria

Going through our pictures, I could not help but take notice at how peaceful and happy the local people were. Yet, when I was there – all I saw was how awful the living conditions were, that it was difficult for them to find work that provided financial stability, that they had to work very long hours (at the resort you would see the same staff at 8:00 a.m. that you saw at 11:00 p.m.), the irony of such a beautiful tropical back drop for people living in poverty.

Looking back over our days there, we were always greeted with smiles from the resort staff to local vendors on the street. They were always ready and willing to give each other a helping hand, as well as us foreigners. From the street vendor that suggested to me “pretty lady, you should remove your sun glasses, its dark and hard to see once you get in the caves, I would not want you to trip” his kindness saved me a fall, like the person a few feet ahead of me. To the always joyful resort activity personnel reminding you about sunscreen or just giving you a smile – one in particular, no matter if it was early morning or late, evening always greeted you with enthusiasm and “Hola, Hola, Coca-Cola” – no matter how I was feeling it always made me smile!

People in La Romana do not live to work; they have grown up working to live – they embrace life and enjoy it! They do not need expensive cars, elaborate homes, or fancy places to purchase their basic needs (food, clothing, etc.). Traffic jams do not excite them – no road rage here – they just honk to let other drivers know they are going through. They live a simple life and are truly happy!

Rural children in the Dominican do not need a computer, DS or television, to help them develop their skills or to occupy themselves. Instead these children use their imagination and creativity, a stick and margarine container becomes a drum; a stick also becomes a piece of chalk marking the dirt to make a hop-scotch. These children have so little, still they smile and are happy. When you offer them a piece of candy their eyes twinkle – for them it’s a real treat, not an everyday open the cupboard or draw and it’s there.

Looking at the pictures of these children, I think to myself with what little they have, they make the most of it. They accept life as it is – and they are happy.

Acceptance of that which you cannot change ... For me, I need to come to terms -that I am no longer who I was - I have to accept life as it is. I know easier said than done. What obstacle is holding you back from total enjoyment of life? Recognizing the obstacle is step one in healing.

I wonder what I will learn on my trip to Paris?

My Story ... It all starts somewhere

On October 28, 2006, my day started out like most Saturdays; wake –up, chat on phone with friends, plan the day. The day would go something like this; run some errands, early afternoon meet Elsa for coffee at Timothy’s Cafe, then home to change and relax, late-afternoon meet with Janice for a quick girl’s catch up at Sassafraza in Yorkville, before heading to Rogner's and John's for dinner, to celebrate a mutual friend’s birthday.

The day went pretty much as planned. I made it to Rogner's and John’s sort of…

As I attempted to open my eyes, the light was blinding … I didn’t recognize my surroundings. Was I dreaming? I tried to focus … “she’s awake” I heard someone say– then a flurry of questions from all directions. My head, my body felt like it had gone through a meat grinder. Where was I? “you have been in a terrible accident, you are going to be ok” I heard a voice, a familiar voice, my sister – what was she doing here and where was I? What accident?

Over the next few days, I would learn, I had been struck by a car while crossing the street to Rogner’s and John’s house; that I had suffered serious life threatening internal injuries; had multiple broken bones; my right elbow was destroyed; sustained an ABI (acquired brain injury); had received over 54 Units of blood, been given a trial drug- had not been expected to live; the list of injuries went on and on; and that it was the end of November.

The next few months would become a blur as I went through various rehabilitation processes. I had to learn to speak, eat,walk and my head (thoughts) was not cooperating – it was difficult to recall things and usually what I wanted to say was not what came out of my mouth.

Returning to my home, it felt strange like I no longer belonged there. The person in the mirror was a stranger to me. My voice had lost its pitch, clothes did not fit, I had to depend on others for most of my basic needs – showering, dressing, eating and sometimes using the facilities. A whole new team of people was hired to provide on-going care and the rehabilitation I required.

The past couple of years I have underwent various surgeries – I now have an artificial right elbow to compliment the steel bars and screws in my right forearm.

In a blink of an eye, I went from a completely independent, physically fit, career- driven, fashionista, adventurous, social person to someone who was completely dependent on others, pajama wearing, with-drawn home body. There were some break through moments – when I thought I could beat this and I would push myself, only to be beaten by exhaustion, pain and frustration. As weeks turned to months and months turned to years, the pain and torment at the loss of me pre-accident did not lessen, at times it seemed even more painful than the physical pain I deal with every day.

To this day I miss me terribly, but to move forward I must find the strength to close the chapter of my pre-accident life and embrace the process of creating a new life. By sharing my struggles, and triumphs, I hope to inspire anyone who is going through a life changing experience to keep going, to not give up (myself included). For those who live with or know someone who is going through a life changing experience, I hope to give you some insight into the world of learning to live again and creating a new life.

You can read more about the event that changed my life here In God's Hands.